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Deepika Padukone

A fool's errand to Bollywood on April 1
01st Apr 2008 22.45 IST
By Naresh K. Deoshi

On the fool’s day, here is a tongue-in-cheek account of a country bumpkin’s errand to tinsel town.

“It’s a crazy world out here,” he muttered to himself as he followed the herd of movie buffs to a venue where a fashion event was being held. There, to his utter awe, he spotted Deepika Padukone and Neetu Singh arguing over something. He moved within the earshot and overheard the two ladies arguing: “He blew the kiss to me!” insisted Deepika. “No beta, it was to me Ranbir blew the kiss on the ramp,” said Neetu Singh condescendingly.

Anyway, our bumpkin hadn’t come to Mumbai to meet either Deepika or Ranbir Kapoor . He had come to see his favourites Kareena Kapoor and Shah Rukh Khan . For a long time he had harbored a secret crush for Kareena, until someone in the countryside told him that she was dating a guy whose second name was also Kapoor. That made him sad and furious. His love story was buried before it could be born. Then, a few months later, he came to know that she was dating another man, another guy with the initials SK. This time, the bumpkin decided to believe no rumours and come to Mumbai to “see the truth” with his own eyes.

So here he was in South Mumbai, watching the Bollywood celebrities walk out after a fashion show, smiling ear to ear. Then, like a flash of lightening, he spotted his only crush. At first he could not believe his eyes. “How weak has she become…They don’t have pure ghee out here in the city,” the bumpkin thought to himself as his eyes scanned the sylphlike figure of Kareena Kapoor. And then he saw a masculine hand gripping Kareena’s wrist. As his eyes moved up, he saw Kareena’s name tattooed in Hindi on the man’s forearm. Blood rushed into the bumpkin’s veins with envy and jealousy.

Determined to know the truth, he moved within the earshot of what the lovers were muttering to each other.

“Dahling, why don’t we get hitched after the release of Tashan ,” said the male voice. “Oh, that would be lovely, but let’s not talk about it with the paparazzi around,” came the response.

The bumpkin felt life draining out of him as he saw the couple drive away in a car with tinted glasses. Meanwhile, a few media reporters around him were babbling with the excitement of having found more grist for rumour mills.

But all was still not lost for our bumpkin. He still had his second cine icon Shah Rukh Khan to meet. So he headed to the superstar’s bungalow where he found more cricket fans than movie buffs, waving to someone in a Knight’s helmet on the bungalow’s terrace. It took him some time to notice that the head under the knight’s helmet was of SRK.

“Why would he wear a helmet…I thought his cold war with Amitabh Bachchan was over,” thought the bumpkin, before turning away and making his way back to the railway station.

As he sat in the railway coach heading back to where he came from, the bumpkin looked at the bustle of the prosperous city, the city where dreams come true, and ironically the city that never sleeps.

As the train chugged, he saw in his mind the fleeting image of Kareena and Saif Ali Khan hand-in-hand. And he saw Shah Rukh hopping with a bat in hand and a knight’s helmet on head.

A mild smile flashed across the bumpkin’s face. And in the true Terminator style, he said to himself: “I will be back.”

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